


蝴蝶少女 (Don't Go)

by Tadhana_Ko



Series: Silence of Zhang Yixing [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Please a love and support Yixing, Suicide Attempt, self doubt, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-01-23 13:06:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12508116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadhana_Ko/pseuds/Tadhana_Ko
Summary: Zhang Yixing.They told him that he didn't count as a member anymore, no matter how many times he's stated his loyalty to EXO. They told him that he should leave EXO, but he promised not to. He promised EXO that he would stay when the others left, but people didn't believe him.Despite this, he managed to keep that promise—Until the day he actually did attempt to leave EXO, but not in the way people have anticipated.(Takes place in the canonverse, but altered for the sake of this fanfic.)





	1. 我很累，但是我必须工作

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your thoughts in the comments. Excuse me if my writing is poor, I'm an inexperienced 04 liner.  
> Also cross-posted on AsianFanfics on PinkMochaLatte

 

**南京市/Nanjing, China**

**Pukou, Nanjing Shi, Jiangsu Sheng ; Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge**

**星期五∙06∙10∙2017∙|Friday∙October∙6∙2017∙**

**9:28 PM**

 

It was night time in Nanjing.  The beautiful capital city of the Jiangsu province was filled with life, even whilst the sky was darkening.  With the city lights illuminating the place as if it was a rave party, despite everything happening as they would in everyday life.  Though, even then, the colors that glowed throughout the area didn't lower the amount of less-than-desirable events that happen every minute.  As like all places in the world, nothing's perfect.  The Yangtze River seems particularly still that day.  No matter how many visitors came that day, no matter how much they smiled at the sight or toured through on the beautiful body of water— It didn't quite feel right.  It was quite... melancholic to say the least.  It wasn't quite the same since 2015.  No sounds of screaming fans as 8 people stepped onto the stage after making their way there through the cold of near mid-December.  No clueless wandering throughout the streets while carrying a block of ice around the bustling city, along side a 70' liner whom was seen as an almost father-like figure. It wasn't a concert nor a race on a variety show, it was just a single person.

An almost 26-year-old adult stood by the railings of the bridge with a 70 meter drop down to the bottom.  He was lightly pressing himself against the barrier, leaning over it, his upper torso going slightly past it.

_Zhang Yixing._

As he looked down, he took a moment to take in the view of the waters below.  He gripped on tightly to the metal that enclosed the area, preventing accidents from happening.  Spefically accidents where people fall off of the bridge—To put it simply, things like that are usually done on purpose.  Yixing wasn't there to do that.   **Not now.**  Not today.  At the moment, he just contemplated.  Just thought.  It was just solemn and quiet to him, even with all the noise that wasn't ever-present in the background.  From the voices in the background talking about him as they passed him or the cars in traffic.  A lot of things were on his mind, yet he never could put an an answer as to why.  

He could still feel, yet, he felt empty.  It was a confusing oxymoron.  Something was missing.  Not only EXO, but some part of himself that he can't pinpoint. It frustrated him and he coundn't find himself an exact reason to feel such a way.  And so, he scolded himself for that.  The day was supposed to be bright.  For one, his birthday was coming soon, a new song he's worked on is going to be released on that day, and he was able to see his parents back in Changsha a few days prior—They even gave him early birthday wishes.  He was going to film another episode of Go Fighting! with the people he saw as older brothers and it was going to come really soon.   So, what reason was there for Yixing to feel like this?  He had a lot to do, so he needed to feel anything. The only thing he could do is ask “why,” over and over again.  It repeated like that for several minutes that felt more like hours or even days.  Yet, in the end, he would have no answer.   **Not now.**  He’ll hope that maybe the answer will help him move forward.   _If_ he ever does get an answer.

So, he was just here.  

The air growing thicker by the second as he tried to make himself invisible to the world.  Even if the air suffocated him and ended up dying of asphyxiation—or maybe if the weight of what felt like the whole world on his shoulders breaking his spine first— he couldn’t care less at the moment.  He just wanted to feel something.  To feel like he's still here, but distant.  To feel like he belongs, but know himself.  He didn’t get it and it scared him so much.  He took a moment to lean in further, his heels slightly lifting off the pavement. 

Words floated in his mind, pushing him further down into the abyss that was the world inside his head. 

 

> _❝ You're barely even a part of EXO anymore.  Are you even a member?  People think you have already left— If not, they think you will leave. ❞_
> 
> _He could only tell himself ❝ There are people who still love and care about me.  I know that.  I'm not going to let that bring me down.  I made a promise and I'm going to keep it. ❞_

> _For some reason, he felt doubt._
> 
> _❝ How many people still care about you? ❞_
> 
> _❝ A lot people.  From fans to everyone on Go Fighting.  EXO too.  And my family._ _I trust that they care about me. ❞_
> 
> _❝ You keep telling yourself that.  Yet, as the years pass, you’ve got to learn that in life we have our losses and they could be included.  Yixing, you’re growing, so don’t be an idiot.❞_
> 
>  

Yixing couldn’t help but feel despair as the two conflicting sides of his brain clashed with each other.  Thinking vs feeling, where the chance of an equal compromise almost impossible at this point.  He couldn’t even notice the tears dripping down from his jawline, the lights of the big city reflecting against the waterfalls on his face.  Somehow though, the darkness was still enough to cover any defining features and he'd rather keep it that way.  Zhang Yixing crying was something his friends wouldn't want to see at all.

 

**南京市/Nanjing, China**

**Shangri-La Hotel : No.███ Zhongyang Road, Gulou District, Nanjing ██████**

**∙08∙7∙2017∙|∙October∙7∙2017∙**

**12:03 AM**

 

He didn’t sleep yet.  He just couldn't.  Logic and emotion were still at their raging war and it tore at him, purging away the excitement he had for the days to come.  He wanted to make it stop.  To just make up his mind already.  Yet, through all the moments where he questioned how much trust he had in people and himself, beside the amount of change that has happened over the years, he could never find himself doing so.  His heart can't handle it and it felt like it was falling apart like sand slipping easily through thin fingers.  It almost seemed like it hurts physically.  In fact, it did.  People joke about how their heart hurts when reading or watching something sad, but the feeling actually exists.  It doesn't have to be a scene from a drama, nor does it have to be a medium that displays some sort of work of fiction.  It could very well be real.  It _is_ real and it's painful.  He feels as if it's killing him.

He looks onto his phone, which has yet to be confiscated from the staff, which he found strange until he realized that he wasn't with EXO in Korea at the moment.  It would take only around 2 hours to fly back.  It seemed so simple to visit for day and then go back, yet he knew that wasn't possible.  He was 964 km (almost 600 miles) away from them.  

He shook his head at himself, letting out his signature _"Aiyowei~"_ with a soft groan.  He let himself get comfortable in the hotel bed, basking in the silky sheets and blankets.  He needed to relax, so he put the phone on the nightstand just so he could take a bit to find a comfortable position to lay down in.  He ended up curled up underneath two blankets, legs curled up slightly and close to his chest in some form of a fetus position.  And just for a little bit, he smiled quietly, reaching for the phone to watch fan videos, read twitter comments or submissions on the EXO Fan-café.  He hopes to find something―anything―to cheer him up.  And eventually he did.  He found a lot of positive messages towards him.  The happy birthday wishes made his heart hurt a little less.  His smile grew a bit wider after several reaction videos, laughing till he had tears of joy.  Birthday wishes from Korea to America.  

 

**"羊! 生日快乐!"**

**"Xingxing, happy birthday!"**

**"생일 축하해요!"**

**"生日快乐张艺兴!!!"**

**"We love you Yixing.  EXO misses you and we can't wait for you to come back! Happy Birthday!'**

**"Don't work too hard, Lay.  It's your birthday and we want you to be happy!"**

 

Little by little, logic and emotion took a light break for once, letting his feelings take control for the time being.  It was default of him to that, but it just felt right this time. He didn’t tell himself for that to happy, as it just does happen and the moments where he doesn’t have to challenge himself about it are much more calmer than when he wants to question it.  He knows he’ll still have to grow more, but for now, he’d rather be a little happier.  Even through years of performance, he still has a hard time with stress like many do.  Sometimes it’s too much and he can’t deal with it.  He didn’t want to feel that way.   **Not now.** He just wanted everything to go away and be left alone with enough time in his schedule to clear his mind.  

It felt nice like this.  Just scrolling through the multiple posts made by fans.

Though, he knows that the nice comments won’t last forever.

 

 **"Listen, I know as an EXO-L that we're support and love all of the EXO members,** **but with Lay, I just can't.  I mean, he wasn't even in the KO KO BOP comeback, while he's in China** **and all like supporting his own music.  It's selfish and I can't support that :/ He’s probably gonna end up with those traitors.** **"**

 

He knew it was just one comment and he should just ignore it, but it did make him think for a bit.  The post did have a fair amount of likes, so he wonders if that's how he actually seems.  He continued scrolling through, but the negativity started to grow a little more.  Things about him being selfish, being a liar, etc.  All things that he has seen before.  Even if few, he always wonders if he truly has a place.  It always made him question himself and think about the impossible feat of pleasing everyone.  He turned off his phone after watching a video of people reacting to LOSE CONTROL for the second time that day.  Just to assure himself that he'll be okay. 

He also told himself a few words as well.

 

 

 

 

 

> _❝ I made a promise. And I won’t be going anywhere.❞_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of chapter title: I am very tired, but I must work
> 
> As a Chinese EXO fanboy, I've always loved a EXO-M and I continue to support the ex-members and Lay during their seperate careers. I am still sad that Lay couldn't be on the comeback this year, but I have hope for the next comeback. His release of Sheep has cheered me up a little, along with rewatching Go Fighting, but still.
> 
> I will always stan EXO (Which does indeed include Lay), Kris, Tao, and Luhan.  
> ~fighting!
> 
> I may or may not have written this because my friend said that there were only 8 members of EXO and she thought Lay wasn't a member.


	2. 易动情的 ; 慢走

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ( Insert Number ) = note at the end for meaning and ellaboration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for not updating last time, I’ll now (try to) update this 1-3 times a week. Thank you for the support you gave this story so early on. I appreciate it :) Thank you so much. Further explanation in the ending notes
> 
> I'm also very proud of Yixing. From man of the year to a professional idol producer. He's made it so far.

**( fanart made by me! Some Yixing appreciation before this mess begins. )**

****

* * *

**《越久就更寂寞 只有自己受傷和難過》**

※From “MAMA” EXO-M ※

_ _

_ **[ SMG SHANGHAI ]** _

··•·【 **SMG: Dragon Television -** **Go Fighting！ To Be Aired Soon**  】 ·•··

 

**南京市/Nanjing, China**

**Shangri-La Hotel : No.███ Zhongyang Road, Gulou District, Nanjing ██████**

**∙08∙7∙2017∙|∙October∙7∙2017·**

**5:34 AM**

 

Yixing found himself waking up quite early (more than 2 hours before his schedule would start for the day).  Through the large windows, the curtains unclosed and both parted from one another, the yellow-tinted lights shining through the glass of the other building were still visible; There was also a clear view of part of the city that glowed colors that screamed pop art, the reflection of the numerous neons twinkled in the calm waters that separated the building from one of the active areas of the city.  Even just by looking at it with his the eyes on his weak body’s blurry vision, in his head, it was almost as if he could hear the sounds of the streets, as the memories burned into his head always made sure they stay branded in there.  

During several times where he looked up at the night sky, he would think of the person who was once his “Galaxy _Duizhang_ ”.  He thought he would have stopped, especially being on good terms with at least one of the former EXO Members.  He thought that that things would hurt less.  He was proud of the teammates he had that once made up EXO-M along side him.  Did he really have an answer as to why it still hurts?  Not directly.   **Not now.**  And he probably won’t for a while.  He was managing to connect the dots.  Yet, the coloring page wasn’t a simple image in a children’s book— It was like grade school math classes, trying to pinpoint coordinates on a grid separated into 4 quadrants, with the page having to be folded open more and more and you try to connect things together.  

He is far from finishing the full mystery image.  And unfortunately, he wasn’t even finished with the first shape, as that was merely one part of it.  Finding out what his emotions are is already difficult enough.  To know why.  Just why? 

He couldn’t.  He couldn’t do it, so he momentarily gave up the minute he managed to (groggily) bring himself up from the bed.  Immediately afterwards, he fell into the sheets once more, grasping tightly onto the still fresh-scented pillow when his mind just kept working up.  He couldn’t do it, feeling all the energy drain from his body as soon as his bare toes touched the carpet— but, his mind wouldn’t stop.  It couldn’t stop as much as he didn’t want to let his thoughts course through every single corner of his mind, trapping conscious in a mental prison that he can’t escape from. **Not now.**  He felt too weak to do so.  He always felt too weak against himself and many others.  He pulled up the pillow to cover his face.  The screams muffled by the only thing that felt like a source of comfort in his hotel room. It was the closest substitute to a person he had.  As silly and pathetic as that may sound, it sure didn’t feel funny.  He clung onto it like it was the only one around.

Technically it was, as he was alone.  Alone in a dimly lit hotel room.

His parents 9 hours away, his hyungs and dongsaengs 2 hours away, and his geges more than 20 minutes away (all by transportation).  Even Luhan was in Shanghai, and would be 3 hours away.  He didn’t even have a personal security guard, nor did he have any form of security with him. Not even a manager.  He really would’ve taken anyone as a source of comfort.  He would keep reminding himself about how far they are.  

Somebody he was close to.  Someone he had a connection to. 

But there was just nobody.   

 

 

> _❝ If you try reaching out to the fans, you’ll just end up being an attention whore. ❞ The little part in his head has whispered.  ❝ Well, either that or you’ll make them worry too much.  You don’t want them to feel bad do you?❞_  
> 
> _❝ Wait, isn't that overthinking things?  It’s really not that bad.❞_

**Emotion and Logic.**  Emotion won this round with no compromise in sight.  **Not now.** He hated that about himself. He hated that he is so emotionally driven in literally everything.  He wondered if that’s why he’s in this situation now.  It only made him smile bitterly as he thought of it. 

Yixing clenched his teeth and fists, the grip on the pillow getting tighter as if he wanted to lose all oxygen and just die right there— In a way, he felt like he did.  He wanted to stay in bed and _never_ get up.  But then, he reminded himself something.  It became a habit.  Maybe an unhealthy one, but it kept him on his feet.  Ever since those trainee days, where the competitive nature for the chance to debut was quite up there.  

“It’ll get better.” He said to himself, pushing the pillow up— leaving him finally be able to gasp for air.  He stayed in his position for a bit, silence filling the room, but it was a much better atmosphere than it was previously.  No where near as comforting as the bridge, nor was it as comfortable as sleeping on the living room floor in EXO’s dorm back in Seoul (the cold wood was always more comforting than the bed in his room).  Yet, still, it was calmer.  

It took a while for him to bring up the courage to finally pick up his phone.  He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, but he wants to feel like he’s still there because he felt like he wasn’t.  He didn’t know if the term was appropriate, as it was seen as more humurous, but there was no better way to explain how he felt— he felt like he was dying inside.  That’s the best he could really describe it.  He couldn’t really blame anyone else, except himself for that.  The mood was different from yesterday, instead of wanting positivity to keep him motivated, he just wanted to see if he meant anything to anyone, whether it be negative or positive. 

 

 

> _❝ You have everything.  Stop being so selfish. ❞_
> 
> _❝ Do I really have everything?  Much less, deserve it? ❞_   

People expect more from an idol.  He remembers how some old mutual friends he had became somewhat jealous of his life.  He remembers how old friends he had to leave behind would tell him how selfish he was for pursuing this career and pretty much abandoning him in the process— or did he abandon them?  He couldn’t put the blame on them.  The guilt began to seep through like it was water spilling onto a fragile, woolen heart.  He doesn't get why it's like that for him now, since he's already been through hell and back since joining SM.  He should be numb to things like this, right?  To just get used to it over time and stop being so _whiny_.  That's what he was taught and what was expected of him.  It's been 9 (almost 10) years since he auditioned for SM in their Global Audition back in 2008 while he still lived in Changsha.  Even from the beginning, while he was just approaching the age of 17, he knew what he was getting into and his success  & fame had to be rightfully earned.  Another thing was that he had to go to a different country with different customs and a different language that he hasn't grown used to knowing- all of this to achieve his goal and he made it through. 

So why? 

After Star Academy, after the SM Global Auditions, after debuting with EXO-M, after everything... Why did he still feel so terrible?  "It'll get better" helped him through, so why didn't it work after all he's made it through?  He couldn’t name his emotions or why they ever felt this way.  It’s hard to admit, but it’s clear he hates not having the answer.   

 

* * *

**서울/Seoul, South Korea**

**EXO Dorm**

**∙17∙04∙2015∙|∙July∙17·2015·**

**7:59 PM**

 

_**“I'm freaking mad. How can you guys like this? Do you really think EXO members are liking how they became 10 members? And he even had meals with the traitors? I'm so pissed off. Did he care how the nine members would feel as he was saying that? Did he care about Minseok and Jongdae who are struggling? Did he care about Joonmyun who had to clean all the dirt? Did he care about the dongsaengs?” A person had posted.  200 likes, 21 dislikes.** _

_**“He's not going to leave, but I want him to. He has individual promotions and they're affecting group promotions, plus he's also contacting the traitors” Another had said.  195 likes, 12 disagree.** _

_**“Never thought I'd pity SM... I think he wants to copy SM's business and K-pop business as a whole. Is he a business spy or something” said the next.  87 likes, 0 dislikes.** _

_**“That greedy asshole wants to be both EXO's Lay and China's Yixing. He's never going to leave the group by himself.” Was another. 65 likes, 0 dislikes.** _

_**“The interview got serious when they asked a question about the two traitors. But he answered that he got a congratulating text from Luhan for his birthday ㅋㅋㅋㅋ He should at least lie for the sake of the media ㅋㅋ So confident, crazy idiot” 51 agree, 0 didn’t.** _

 

_When Yixing heard about what fans had said about him from the other members, he told them he was fine.  Junmyeon had hugged him tightly anyway.  “Ge—“ he instinctively said before switching over to “—hyung,” while putting a hand on his back, telling him that it didn’t affect him.  “Junmyeon-hyung... It’s fine,” he started, but Junmyeon cut it off.  “No, Xing-ah.”  Junmyeon wouldn’t ever want to think of Yixing in such a way.  He wasn’t deliberately hurting anyone and he knew Yixing would never want to.  The fact that a lot of people—fans even— agreed didn't settle well with him of course._

_Yixing didn’t want a fight, so he let Junmyeon hold him a little closer that day.  It was comforting.  “You mean a lot to us, Yixing.  Please don’t listen to them.  You’re going to Nanjing for Go Fighting, right?  Please stay safe and contact us whenever you can, okay?  When the managers don’t confiscate our phones, we’ll respond immediately to you.” The older had assured.  It made Yixing feel a lot smaller than he was and he didn’t like it.  He didn’t like looking weak around them.  He didn’t want them to worry about him.  He could only tell them that he was fine and that the situation was okay— “It’s just differing opinions online, Gē”  He whispered, accidentally slipping out Mandarin while he tried his hardest to say that he was fine._

_**He was fine**.  He was going to be okay. He thought that's how he felt.  He wasn't sure of his emotions himself or how it was affecting him, but nothing seemed that bad.  His expression seemed indifferent and calm, yet what was going on inside was a confusing mess— But, he couldn't say he felt bad, but he felt something.  That didn't mean it was hurting him, right?_

_It shouldn’t effect him and it shouldn’t effect his relationship with EXO.  He knows they would never think of him that way— That’s him overthinking.  He knows they love him and he loves them back.  His personal relationships with those he works with are quite muddy in the public view sometimes.  Behind the scenes, those people don’t really know what’s going on or how they actually feel about the situation at hand.  They couldn’t share too much about what was going on, as once more, it was personal to them.  To share it out in the open would be irational with certain things they want to say sometimes or just be seen as begging for attention.  It was difficult for them.  It was difficult for all of them.  But all of them were adults now & they all had their down moments when learning how to grow up.  They have to learn from past mistakes if they want to keep going. _ _Sometimes, that requires moving on.  Sometimes it means that you’ll have to take the plunge into unknown waters to make it forward and see what’s on the other end._

_It was just the hard truth._

_"Yeah, but, they have no idea and they're saying things that are just... Not true..." The older muttered under his breath.  Yixing's expression remained the same, yet he closed his eyes, not wanting anyone to see through him.  "Well, we're idols and recognition can lead to claims such as this.  Opinions can be easily spread and accepted even with little information or evidence..." He sounded hesitant and heavy-hearted, but it was the truth in his eyes and he didn't want to bring the mood down.  When he went through all his work to make it here, it should be expected to feel dysphoria at some point._

_Yixing sometimes forgets that he isn't a working machine in a human vessel, and that he's a human. Humans still get affected by a lot of things despite experience.  Even if he's used to it, it doesn't mean it makes him feel nothing._

_Yixing is human.  He isn't perfect._

_Yixing is human.  He has emotions._

_Yixing is human.  He isn’t anything less than that._

_When Yixing became LAY, he started to question.  Being an idol meant a lot, but your identity and reputation were at stake 24/7— The person you are on stage and in general public against the person surreptitiously with their own lives, they were like different people.  What happens inside the industry stays in the industry.  Some things you won’t know unless you yourself have experienced it._

_Yet, as humans, everyone has their reasons for doing things they do that they’d rather not share.  Yifan had his reasons.  Luhan had his reasons.  Yixing had to come to terms with that and so did EXO.  It was understandable to react the way they did, but they learned from then and come to accept the fact that things happen and some things just don’t work out, as sad as it is._

_What mattered was that they were happy now.  What mattered was that EXO was still okay._

_Even if Jongin and a few other members had depression in some way or form, they were still going and wanting to go forward.  Yixing, being the 3rd oldest in EXO felt some sort of responsible role he had to fulfill.  As one of the only Chinese member left in the group, he felt like he had to take the harsh criticisms towards the other members of the EXO-M subunit, as well as those who had left.  He noticed his dìdi, Zitao, feeling quite on the edge and insecure about the events of last year and the younger seemed to be going under a lot of pressure.  As one of the older members, he felt the need to be a protective figure of not only EXO-M, but EXO as a whole.  He had to hold some semblance of a strong person that they could lean back on, but not completely rely on for everything.  He felt like he needed to be this person to take every hit for them, for them to be loved by and whom they love._

_He wanted to be that person who will make them smile.  A person they don’t need to worry about._

_He’ll waste their time with his problems, as what really matters to him is them._

_His stressors built up day by day, but he always kept them to himself. **He should be fine. He was fine.**_

_Junmyeon only responded to Yixing's claim with a quick "Go rest, Yixing-ah,"  before letting the younger out of his grasp.  Though, Yixing felt a little empty from the lack of warmth of anyone— He didn't want to initiate another attempt at physical contact that day, nor did he try.  Even if he wanted to feel that affection again from any of EXO because of his emotional state of denial & faux indifference, he didn't quite feel like it that night.  He needed time to breathe and recollect himself before he could do anything.  _

_Instead of sleeping in the living room, he went back to his own shared room with Jongdae that night._

_He didn’t realize that he was crying in his sleep until his roommate woke him up, a look of panic and concern on his face._

 

 

_**Yixing wasn’t fine.** _

_But he denied it._

 

* * *

 

•✿•

**_Present_ **

**6:11 AM**

He heard the familiar ding of his phone when a notification box popped up on his screen after seeing _“넌 그냥 배신자야”(1)_ when referring to him for the 5th time. Without even checking the name, he could already tell who it was.  "We miss you.” was in a small, neat font in Hangul.  He could feel the muscles in his shoulders grow looser, the tension dying along with the bile of negativity he felt in his throat.

 “We miss you.” Simple words that weren’t plentiful in their length, but gave all the meaning in the world.  It made Yixing feel warmth in his heart.  The painful guilt and the excruciating drag in his heart would never leave, but at least there was still a flame to keep this game of life going.  It was a reminder of who would be on the other end when his schedule was in order.  Even if Yixing wasn’t completely fluent in Korean and he and EXO had a very obvious language barrier at times, it didn’t mean he couldn’t understand them.  As he learned new phrases throughout the years, the phrases _“보고싶어”_ and _“우리는 너 보고싶다”(2)_ have become close to his heart— referring to missing the other person.  It was both sad, but assuring at the same time.  

With that, he opened the chatroom and responded. 

 

**_▷”We miss you!_ **

**_Happy Birthday, Yixing!_ **

**_Yixing-ah, promise me you’re taking care of yourself_ **

**_you’re okay, right?”_**

**“I miss you guys too, Minseok-hyung :)”**

**“Thank you for the birthday wishes  ㅠㅠ**

**5/6 of a year has already passed.  It’s been so long~**

**I’ll  hopefully be able to see you again soon !”**

**“Don’t  worry, hyung, I’m okay :D”**

_06:12 AM •_ _Delivered✓_

Yixing gave a small, but genuine smile.  

Waking up was a pain and the first half hour of his morning was a pain.  Yet, a little bit of motivation would keep himself going.  He knows one day, it might not be enough and it may not be enough for him right now.  Yet, at the very least, it was enough to make him smile, even for just a moment before his other thoughts could intervene.  

He received a few other texts too and he looked over them through his notifications.  Chanyeol sent him a message too.

 **_▷"Lay hyung, you know how much I love you even though we haven’t been able to be together a lot this year right? I love you. Happy birthday!"_ **  

 

 

> _❝ They care about you.❞  He tried to convince mind from doubting. ❝ Can you not see that?❞_

Breathe.  Just breathe.  Yixing hung his head down and exhaled.

 

 

> _❝ I wasn’t in my right mind...  I’ll be okay now.❞ He said to himself_
> 
> _❝ Remember what you told yourself._ _❞ In moments like this where he can collect himself again, he reflects on his attitude and he admits he’s not healthy.  He can’t really doing anything about it now.  All he could really do is keep pushing forward and he'd have to deal with it._
> 
> _❝ Let me be my proof. _❞__

He blinked a few times, bringing himself back into the moment.   “It’s gonna be okay...” he said again, hoping it would work this time.  

It was his birthday.  He should be happy.  

 

_He lived through another year of his life._

_He can do it._

 

He would have to film a _Go Fighting_ episode with his friends soon.  He was the only one born in the 90s, while the rest of the cast in their 70s.  He promises himself that when the time comes, he'll be as matured as they are and be able to take care of his them like they have taken care of him.  

He would also be performing with EXO again soon and he would love to be able to grow with them once more.  To be a team again.  He promises himself that he'll keep going.  If not for himself, but them.  If he thinks otherwise, then playing devil’s advocate with himself a few times will _have_ to work.  From Xingpark to just Xingmis in general. From the Go Fighting cast to the EXO members to Lu Han. From his family to his friends.  He could do that, right?  He knows they support him.  He wants to think that it’ll be enough to convince himself.

With that, he told himself “Happy birthday, Zhang Yixing.”  When all he wanted to do now was disappear for a while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read: Recently, SHINee's Jonghyun committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. As someone who grew up with SHINee since Ring Ding Dong and I've grew up with them and stanned them way before EXO, I'm heart broken. I was already heartbroken enough when I learned Key used to self harm. I looked up to them for a long time and they were my first boy group. I love Jonghyun and always have. May he rest peacefully.
> 
> I remember when Lay was Jonghyun's stand-in for one of SHINee for a 2010 (?) concert. I recognized his face when the EXO teasers came up in early 2012. That's how I got into EXO and I've supported both groups since. Remembering this while writing this— especially after recent events— I felt a pit in my stomach. 
> 
> (( More context on my Wattpad story ))  
> About the author's note my friend gave. He said he would delete it, but I guess it's too late for that. Yes, I did attempt suicide— I'm going to be honest about that. But, as you can tell, I wasn't successful. I survived, but, I'm glad I did. A lot has happened that has helped me over the months and after learning about Jonghyun and learning about how many of the people I look up to (k-idols) are depressed or have anxiety like me, I've never been more motivated. I'm writing these stories right now, of BTS' Jin and of EXO's Lay (seperately), about depression, about suicde to bring more attention to this before something else can happen.
> 
> I'm so happy that I survived. This isn't my first attempt, but it probably isn't my last. I'm not trying anytime soon. Thank you all so much for your support. I've read the comments and I've never been supported so much in my life. 
> 
> Remember, I base this story in reality. Stuff like this don't just happen in fiction— no matter the setting. Whether it's Hollywood or Seoul... 
> 
> (1) 넌 그냥 배신자야. = you’re just a traitor  
> (2)우리는 너 보고싶다 = we miss you/we miss you so much
> 
> chapter title translation:  
> 易动情的 = Emotional/Worked Up  
> 慢走 =  
> Literally: “Walk slowly.”  
> Function: Expresses politeness to someone when they leave someone’s house or a hotel, restaurant, etc.  
> Near-equivalent phrase in English: “Take care” or “Have a good day” (American English).
> 
> •Based on behavior of a few Kfans of EXO back in 2015 where they got mad at Lay for eating with Luhan; http://kpopkfans.blogspot.com/2015/04/suspicions-on-lay.html  
> •Yixing & Sehun EXO Teaser #22 (Predebut) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ioPpgosTzW0  
> •If you want more info on pre-exo-debut Zhang Yixing and a few things from the year he debuted in EXO-M (His Birth 1991 - Birthday 2012), here’s a Tiki-Toki timeline http://www.tiki-toki.com/timeline/entry/49974/Zhang-Yixing-/#vars!date=1991-05-19_13:50:21! I don’t have the time to be able to make my own Zhang Yixing timeline


End file.
